(Jupiter –
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Check out the legs on this baby
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?