If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
me when the borders lift
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Thrilling chase underway
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon