When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
You Might Also Like
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
This made me smile…
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right