ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
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You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
The 6 types of sex
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once