I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Skills
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.