[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
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Happy thanksgiving!
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
and now we wait
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful