friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
You Might Also Like
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.