me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
You Might Also Like
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.