Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
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Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?