Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
What kind of a cult is this?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer