I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
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Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up