ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
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Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
work smarter, not harder
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”