[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
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We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends