So can we start calling them Traylor now?
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Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
doing your own taxes
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Discuss
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other