Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.