one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
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Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’m not lazy
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card