Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
You Might Also Like
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I see your IQ test came back negative
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.