Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.