I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
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Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*