DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died