I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
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Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.