Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
From Facebook just now…
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?