[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
*Inspirational Tweets*
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.