Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.