[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
*me flirting
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.