The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
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From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Florida man
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
And bowling should be called pinball
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.