me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I had to Stop for this
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean