Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
You Might Also Like
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap