Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
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Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
What is going on? 😅
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Dammit Chief not again
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy