Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!