I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
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My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.