“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
When I pack too much for a short trip.
i want to work in this restaurant
This forever.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers