It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
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Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”