[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends