Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings