Last semester a student asked me why I hadn鈥檛 graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn鈥檛 sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn鈥檛 use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
馃珷
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I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You鈥檇 look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you鈥檙e a cockatiel.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you鈥檇 enjoy it it鈥檚 for brain fog.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Got him!
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Whoa 馃槀
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Instead of writing letters, let鈥檚 wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it