I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
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8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
2022 will be better than 2021
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.