The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
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I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.