When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
A fake ID that makes you younger
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.