[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Do not steal food from the science building!
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!