i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
You Might Also Like
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
that de-escalated quickly
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”