professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.