Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Happy Star Wars day!
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
got so much cardio in today
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.