Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.