I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
What’s a Messi?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
🤣could you imagine
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.