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Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
one of
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.