This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
🌱🌱🌱
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Don’t snitch tag.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.