I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.