I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
How to draw a duck
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!