Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts